Doing Differently a tale in Delusion Behavioral Therapy Allegedly or NOT HERE I COME?

What could you do differently?

TRIGGER ALERT! CONTAINS MEMORIES OF PHYSICAL, AND CHILDHOOD SEXUAL, ABUSE. IF EITHER HAVE TRIGGERED YOU PLEASE DO NOT READ OR PERHAPS READ WITH SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN ABUSED CHILD? ( EVEN ALL THE YEARS PASSED?? ) Each one of my siblings have issues directly caused by the abuse of my mother. Liars, cheats and pretending to be a psychiatrist (hahahahahahhaa allegedly) are just the symptoms of the hell on earth we lived through because of her….. allegations….Fortunately I got help!! Proof positive? Almost….. The other siblings can live in their own delusional lives? Allegedly of coarse. Just look out for the alleged psychiatrist……. Allegedly

THE STORY BEGINS HERE. Grab your best eraser and help me rearrange my messy life? 💃Remember everything written is alleged, allegedly and mostly a creative experience Fromm the wonderful childhood experience I had with my adoptive family. Haaaaaaahahaha Someone pick me up off the floor? Thanks.

START HERE- There are many things I would have done differently but I will choose only one…. Easy decision! I would have spoken up for myself as a child. I was beaten down in an effort to keep my silence. Ever wonder what it feels like to be 15 years old when both parents come after you when you just barely finished showering? They cornered me. Mother had her favorite appliance for beating me; a leather belt about 1-1/2 inch wide.

Why were they in attack mode? The sun was shining too much? There were too many clouds? The church was not crowded enough? The choir sang the wrong song? Pick one or pick all. Maybe it doesn’t even matter? The plan was always the same, keep me quiet! I can never, ever, ever-ever-ever- ever speak about that trying that happened. The incident where their favorite child allegedly did me dirty. THAT.

In the 1960’s and 1970’s if there was children’s services it wasn’t available for simple things such as a brother assaulting his sister. Nope. So parents were allowed to do whatever they felt was appropriate? They could also decide among themselves which child to punish (or get help for….) Just by luck I was the child chosen to be beaten into submission of silence. The gave the abuser all the rights to continue to harass, humiliate, physically torture me and anything he wanted. They also continued to control me by not allowing me to have any friends. Yup removing anyone who I might confide in was instantly removed. No friends!

Since my older sister passed away age 14, I was 12, it was easy to blame the dead one. This one is misbehaving because her sister died…. THAT. THOSE WORDS were too cruel???? Mother would get the sympathy “Oh I am soooooo sorry to hear that”.? Using the dead sister as a prop in their arsenal of abuse just to shut the kid who WAS molested by the sibling (allegedly!!) by explaining you, the mother, why must open handed and very loudly smack down that kid who is sitting with you dressed in dirty, wrinkled clothing. Yes, that girl is your child too….a daughter? But the parental disrespect must continue a few times in public. It must also continue in the one place where nobody will ever do a thing to stop it….church… the Catholic Church will never offer help nor will they ever show compassion to the child as she is considered soiled by their standards. No priest would even consider her. She was already used, damaged then thrown away …. All before she even. Had her first period. Yeah! Go mother. Go father. Go perverted family member. Allegedly …. It was done out of the blue without any warning.

While all 5 kids and both parents are quietly sitting in a church pew, SMACK “now sit down and shut up!” Naturally the abused is the sister/daughter who just happens to still be alive? Everyone inside of the church looks, followed by their sheer emotional embarrassment for themselves…… Me? I can’t even let out a whimper out of fear mommy dearest will do it again.

THANK GOD parents are not allowed to beat their kids in public anymore? Yup. I guess it’s not exactly my choice to change it? BUT maybe just be example I was brave enough to show the world how a REAL CHILD handles a REAL SMACK DOWN? With grace, stability and patience.

Of coarse I must also add this is all allegedly because,,,, well, because it is allegedly? We all know it is not but since I do not have any evidence other than my dirty, messy school picture…. I can’t say it’s true. Inside of my heart WE know who is telling the truth.

That little girl in the center on school picture day shows exactly what mother wanted the world to see and think of me, her personal piece of trash. Not allegedly. The other picture show my fledgling smile of happiness. Left is me on Benzodiazepine-happiness found in a pill….. The other is the second High School portrait take and the ORDER of Mother. The first one was evil! It was the work of the devil….. yup I had a hickey. Look…can you really see it?

In the end both picture were thrown in a drawer. Never displayed.

SO I am feeling silly lately. Planning my third or fourth 62nd Birthday Party. Again. I like being 62 so I am attempting to stay there for a few years. Meal plans are 🦞 🦞 and LOBSTER 🦞 and TUNA and WASABI.