WHITE POWER RANGER Time off?

Having an autoimmune condition really sucks in this weather. This flair has been running for a couple weeks? It’s painful! My joints ache.

My heart is aching even more…..maybe I spend too much time inside of my own head? Halloween…. This year reminded me of the Power Ranger costume i made for my youngest. The tv series introduced the white Ranger days before Halloween. Just as my eternal home sewer I found the costume and then ventured into sewing things with gold lame fabric. I had never touched fabric like that!! It was a 24 straight hours of sewing to have his absolutely dreamed of costume ready for the horribles parade the school held. I was so amazed that I created this perfect costume which my boy could be even more proud of….

To look back it was only yesterday…but yeah it was too many years to count.

My boy was so proud of his costume. There was not anything like it at all! Sure a store bought costume but none of the white Ranger. My rendition was absolutely flawless. He walked with pride beaming over his perfect costume. His smile was ear to ear. I’m pretty certain I filmed it on the 8mm camcorder. The tapes and machine are sitting but I cannot bring myself to look at the movies. There is just pain and memories. Maybe it’s just painful memories of the life I held before my takedown?

So now my son is a man; a father with 2 kids. They will never know who I am because their mother has thrown me out like trash. My son allows her to control who he speaks to including his mommy. We all realize a relationship as this won’t survive. Suffocating partners always loose? But for now her Daddy is a soccer star or a coach who makes tons of cash to keep there little bungalow going.

It’s the memories of making the boy a costume to wear just playing around the house. He asked for a real cowboy outfit. I made his one complete with the fringe. My daughter wanted a cape. I made it with a purple satin lining. Also sewed my heart out with fitted school play costumes.. Impressive. My oldest wanted a cloak. I went all in buying $100 will fabric. Again impressive. I strive for perfect with anything I sew. Not so much for my life choices?

Where do I file the happy memories? There has to be a way to rid myself and stop remembering what was and will never be? It really hurts somewhere deep inside of my soul? Sometimes I can forget? In reality they are just placed them on the back burner. They find their way back into my heart again. They are never more if they can’t be shared?

What is sad? My younger boy won’t talk to me because he hates his sister. He doesn’t want her to interfere. I get it because I truly hate all the lies she has said and the acts she has pulled. The daughter is mentally unwell and loves to cause problems and drama wherever she goes. What he doesn’t know is I haven’t spoken to her in years. It’s been longer than when he and I spoke last. He can’t blame me for her problems like everyone else? He does. Everyone blames me? She inherited her father’s destructive personality which left enemies, not friends by the wayside. If she refuses to take her psych meds I want nothing more to do with her. This has been her life story? Borderline and manic do not make for any kind of relationship. Destruction yes, but love? No. Still my heart aches for all the relationships which were mine but she destroyed anyway.

Now I am just blabbing away ready for tears. why not have a pity party with me for just tonight? Tomorrow is a new day, new way? Things to do and no time to feel like the shit I feel today…..