He made me and the addiction in me

When my husband and I were married I was 89 lbs and addicted to Klonopin and Ritalin. The prescribed drugs were written by a doctor who I saw monthly until he died. I was left without instantly. Every single cell inside of my body was screaming and fighting with sharp swords inside of me. If you have ever had to withdraw from any drug perhaps you’ve experienced it? It made me as close to crazy as I can remember. Fucking NUTS!!! I landed inside of a psych unit to completely withdraw.

Addiction. I am an addict of a prescribed drug. An overly prescribed drug which removed the overwhelming anxiety i had lived with all of my life. When was one of my kids going to die like my sister did? When was the other shoe going to drop? WHEN?????? !!!!!!!!! LOSING THE ANTI ANXIETY DRUG WAS IMPOSSIBLE. LOSING THE RITALIN ONLY MADE ME FAT. I MISSED IT BECAUSE IT HELPED MY ADHD. Concentration was impossible as i waited for everything to fall away. It did. It’s all gone to this very day.

My kids? They are adults and they hate me. I tried to contact but their decision to stay away is permanent. All good because I did the same to my family. They are clueless as to what really happened all the years ago. My fabulous sister the faux “psychiatrist” really just a nurse states “Brenda is an alcoholic”. She is an idiot. Wrong meetings!!! The truth is she and I were friends before but I hid from the truth. She never once called me. Before there were daily conversations. So in truth we were never friends nor sisters? It’s all good. She can keep her lies and pretend how much more support she is because I am crazy.

My crazy is my crazy? I’m good with it. It’s me. Can never change the past but the future is wide open. The alienation of my children by my mother is forever. It won’t change even now that she is dead.

I’m ok with their choice to pretend i am dead. I was a terrible mother because of anxiety. I can never go back and change that. So i go forward. Fortunately as most who have had an addiction their relationship suffers. My husband stayed throughout every single insult i tossed at him. So i guess after almost 30 years we are totally co dependent. It’s ok. I figured out i cant go back. Cannot cry over lost children. That too is ok because they are separate beings. No longer my children. Adults married and hopefully they found their happy. The overwhelming anxiety i once had is gone too. That took a few years to figure out. I can sleep at night. That was hard with anxiety.

This is the first time i have ever written about this…. I was ashamed and spent 20 years hiding but I’m not anymore…… to my missing children it is a big part of who i am. Love me or hate me. It is your choice and guess what? I still love you through your hate. I will give you all the space you want. You be you and I will too. Life is short.

He has cancer. Now it’s my turn. I had not accepted it. Yet. Love is Love.