Have discussed my husband’s cancer diagnosis previously but if you blinked it was gone. He is embarrassed. He would rather choose to make it go away.
BUT he cannot just pretend the cancer never happened. cancer is random. It spins a wheel to pick a likely candidate and then once chosen it spins another wheel to determine what type of cancer to be given.
How unfair. More so, it is the lack of personal involvement within this method of choosing who, what, when and why.
Why me? Why him?
Why did the wheel stop at this type of cancer without any way to cure it? Sure keep him going with a prescription or maybe a blood transfusion. That is it. We are lucky he is O positive blood. But we are not lucky enough to be considered for a bone marrow transplant. Although we have not received the official no. It’s coming soon enough. We maintain what he is. Weak, injured and without hope.
That is what absolutely sucks! He has cancer but no hope. This man lives in a bubble and pretends the world is always going to be his way. Think his bubble has burst?
With the cancer I had it was removed and I went on my way. It was just a blip on my horizon. What he doesn’t know is every six months I fear that blip. I undergo either a mammogram or an mri to detect another blip. With the exception of one almost involving a surgical procedure to remove and test the blip it was over once the biopsy said nope. It’s not cancer. Just keeping you on your toes. I had skipped both tests; the mri and the mammogram for the year of Covid. The blip was just testing my resolve?
But him? He doesn’t have the ability to hold out for hope. I want him to live as he hasn’t anything killing his bone marrow, leaving behind scar and fiber which cannot make new perfect blood cells. We can settle for the mess it is producing now. Settling. I am settling for the craziness lab results ever. He won’t even look at his own labs. I send a copy to his brother. He lost his wife to cancer after a 25 year battle. He cares. He knows….. “time is not on Chuck’s side”. Yes the words said could not any truer. Why can’t he, the one with cancer get it? Why doesn’t he understand he will lose the battle if he doesn’t even try?
There are no odds for this type of cancer. But I’m not going to tell him that. That’s my burden to bear. Alone. Perhaps his brother also realizes this too. I can’t share it. Once spoken it becomes a fact. I will leave that at the door and still continue to get him to fight what is claiming our future?
If I stand in the center of the place where the wheels are spun deciding who, when and what type of cancer, can I stop this game of life? I can just hold the wheels at the collect $200 or even the one sending him home? It means no cancer. Maybe I could convince the asshole who spins to halt it for a while and maybe reverse what Theo has already spun. Take it back? Keep the cancer and leave my husband and his bubble alone. Can I do that as his advocate? Is it even possible to battle a cancer that is not even mine? Until I discover or am informed of other, I am going to try my best. It is my only choice.
💃BOOK of BRENDA🌹💋💄👠 